I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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