I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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