If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
