omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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