please come you make the beer taste better
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
