I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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