you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
