How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Randomize
