No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
