I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
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you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
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Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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