come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
