Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
