I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
