i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
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hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
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Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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