I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
