Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
