i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
