We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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