he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
