Your tits are I can't wait for
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
