I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
