im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
