come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
