Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
