never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
That accounts for only three of the penises
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
