38 yer olds are good kisserssss
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize