I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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