somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
