you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
