Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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