and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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