Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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