The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We had to coat check the pizza.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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