I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
