somebody snuck up and got me drunk
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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