Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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