I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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