Non-Jews are for practice
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
