idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
