youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
