I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
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i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize