Please, let me fuck your mom
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
