can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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