I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
