It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
