my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
