That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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