I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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