I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
