my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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