I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
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Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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