the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
