Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
