Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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