Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
