if i died would you start the facebook group?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
