How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
